FOR nearly nine centuries the officers of the chartered Court Leet of Holsworthy have met at regular intervals to discuss and run the affairs of Holsworthy Manor, for the one body combined the functions of the executive, judiciary, police force, public health and Trading Standards — all under the authority of the Lord of the Manor.

Nowadays their functions are merely ceremonial and their powers non existent, but since the sad loss of their carrier pigeon, which in 1643 missed Holsworthy and flew straight on to Stratton where it perished in the battle of Stamford Hill, they have had little contact with the outside world and still believe that they are the civil power of the Manor. Thus they met as usual on the eve of St Peter’s Fair.

Since it was a very warm evening and, since the Portreeve was by no means sure that all the assembled peasantry would have had a bath since last Michaelmas, he took the precaution of keeping open the door beside the stage at one end of the hall and the front doors at the other end in the hope that the flow of air would be sufficient to ensure survival.

Last year Portreeve Robert Painter had been a shy, tongue-tied new boy but how times had changed. After a year of celebrity status he exuded an air of confident prosperity as he welcomed all present and dealt with the preliminary items of business.

There were no changes of officers to report so he was able to move straightaway to calling of the Roll of Officers.

As prescribed by immemorial custom officers are required to reply ‘Adsum’ if they are present and ‘Absit’ if they are not. All went well until the turn of the Constables, when the pressure of deciding whether he was Adsum or Absit became too much for Russell Dymond, who completely went to pieces.

When he was being Russell he was Adsum, when he was being Bill Oke he was Absit and when he was being one of the Piper brothers he wasn’t sure whether he was there or not. If it had been any other officer it would have been deeply worrying but since it was Russell it was fairly normal.

Eventually the Roll of Officers was completed as follows: Portreeve Robert Painter, Town Crier and Beadle Roger Dunstan, Keeper of the Records Nigel Clark, Keeper of the Purse Barry Megson, Constables William Oke, Russell Dymond, Alex Piper and Lyndon Piper, Aletasters Michael Johns, Philip Cole and Richard Brown, Reviewer of Encroachments and Nuisances Dennis Veale, Janitors John Addicott, Christopher Osborne and Terry Allcorn, Parkers Ronald Gerry and Pamela Johns, Beadweighers Barry Parrish and Elizabeth Oke, Hedgeviewer Philip Ford, Houseviewers Allan Jones and Hilary Vivian, Lane Drivers Clifford Gilbert and Crispin King, Pinder Michael Reynolds, Haywards Brian Soby and Annette Dennis, Custodian of Weights and Measures Andrew Stacey, Searcher and Sealer of Leather James Rowland.

Apologies were received from Brian Soby, Andrew Stacey, Bill Oke and James Rowland. Brian and Andrew had valid long term sick notes. James was also on the sick list and in fact had been undergoing an operation that day. Hopefully all had gone well. Bill hadn’t given any specific reason for absence. He was probably having tea with the Bishop of Wells.

It seemed a good time for the Portreeve to have a moment’s rest so he called for the record of the previous year’s meeting, which the Keeper of the Records likes to think is an accurate account of all that occurred, but which most officers realise is a piece of light fiction since they know he has difficulty recalling what happened before last Thursday.

To keep him happy the Portreeve signed them anyway.

The Portreeve next presented Citizenship Awards to Lauren Young and Aaron Squirell from Holsworthy Primary School and Louise Shepherd and Pip Horn from the Community College, all of whom had been nominated by their schools for the qualities of citizenship they had demonstrated during their school career.

He also presented the Art Award, sponsored by Holsworthy Lions, to Phoebe Wellington who had been nominated by the Community College as their most promising art student of the year. Having congratulated the worthy winners he took the opportunity to welcome to the meeting the Lords of the Manor and other distinguished guests and to congratulate a number of people with local connections who had achieved something of note during the year.

While on the subject of what people had been doing over the year it was an appropriate moment to ask the Ancient Chronicler Richard Brown to present the latest chapter of the Chronicles of Holsworthy recalling various events occurring in the Manor during the past year.

Since Richard was now in his second year as the Chronicler he hoped for a polished performance. Considering the period of time the Portreeve had been an officer of the Court he should have known better, although to be fair to Richard he actually managed to recall something which had happened in every month of the year, which was more than some could claim.

The first occurred almost immediately after Robert’s appointment as Portreeve, when he was to be seen exercising his new found authority directing traffic in Underlane and Chapel Street, a risky activity for the Portreeve who should be warned about the dangers posed by traffic to hedgehogs and other small prickly creatures.

Fortunately he survived and the rest of Fair Week went very well, with Holsworthy proving its green credentials by appointing a recycled Pretty Maid.

In August the agricultural show achieved fame by organising a world record mass wellie-wanging. In September a truly splendid First World War commemorative event was held in Stanhope Park involving a large number of organisations who all deserved thanks for their efforts. The park was the venue for another event in October when Radio Devon presenter Toby Buckland planted a ‘Wedding Cake Tree’. Several locals were interviewed and few would forget the amorous recollections of Lane Driver Clifford Gilbert.

Later in the month the park was the venue for a further First World War commemorative event when 40 trees were planted there in memory of all the local men who fell in the conflict with a plaque by every tree with details of each of them and where possible a photograph.

Much of this information was due to the research put in by Shawn Dymond of Holsworthy Museum.

This was followed in November, among some splendid poppy displays, by a huge Remembrance Day parade, somewhat swamping the churchwardens who nearly mislaid the Portreeve in the crowd.

Also in November, following the loss of Ken Carroll, a by-election was held for Torridge District Council with the poll being topped by mayor Jon Hutchings, a feat he was to repeat in further elections for both Torridge and town councils in May, although he relinquished his post as mayor in favour of Jo Heaven, the daughter of a former mayor and Keeper of the Purse Barry Megson. Fiscal prudence was bound to be the watchword now.

Retirement from mayoral office didn’t keep Jon out of the news however when in June he was discovered to be the owner of a van stuck in the sand at Summerleaze Beach.

Finally it seems that the perfection of the polish on the Portreeve’s plaque marking the site of the old Great Tree might not, as previously thought, be due entirely to the sweat of the Portreeve’s brow, when only last Sunday his wife the Portravene was discovered on her knees at the entrance to Fry Street giving the plaque a thorough clean.

It was disappointing to realise that the whole of the previous year had now been covered, for it meant the end of this instalment of the Chronicles and the end of the Chronicles meant the start of the petitions — a time when a sense of foreboding settles over the hall like a foggy night in a Victorian melodrama. No one knows what the petitioners might say or do, least of all the petitioners themselves.

First up was Lane Driver Crispin King. Was that a wise choice? As anyone who knows Crispin will confirm, it is difficult at times to work out what an earth he’s on about. Fortunately, he was quite clear about it. It was a straightforward attack on the elderly.

Since a large proportion of the Court officers are not in what might be described as the springtime of life it wasn’t perhaps the most tactful of topics, but this was more than offset by the fact that at least those in attendance knew what the topic was.

His specific attack was directed at the users of mobility scooters, most of whom had taken up scooter riding after losing their driving licences. The Manor was plagued by these geriatric hell’s angels whizzing by on the pavements frightening pedestrians and stealing handbags.

The problem was a long standing one which he first noticed years ago when he’d been drinking in the Old Market Inn with the late Harry Maunder, one of the Court’s former officers. As Crispin staggered up Chapel Street towards the White Hart Harry overtook him on his mobility scooter, running over Crispin’s foot in the process.

When Crispin, by now limping as well as staggering, arrived at the White Hart Harry was already there, laughing, and when Crispin remonstrated, Harry drove over Crispin’s foot again, still laughing, and drove off.

He had noticed recently that electric charging points had been installed in front of the Memorial Hall — an obvious place for mobility scooter gangs to congregate, popping beta blockers and racing their scooters around the hall, tyres and hearing aids squealing.

The luncheon club should be raided and the ringleaders apprehended before any more trouble occurred.

It seemed as if older people were going to have a tough time in the Manor, a theme continued when Aletaster Mike Johns warned of plans afoot for an early retirement programme for local authority employees and councillors.

Broadly the plan, which had been given the working title of ‘Retirement — Aged Personnel, Early’, envisaged a cull of all employees and councillors over the age of 40 resulting in a huge saving in salaries and pensions.

Anyone subjected to this procedure who was prepared to take another post would have the opportunity of requesting a review before early retirement was enforced. This exercise would be known as a ‘Survey of the Capabilities of Retired Early Workers’.

If the review proved unsuccessful the applicant would have the right to require a final review by higher management. This would be known as a ‘Study of Termination of Use For Further Education and Development’.

Mike enlarged on the general effect of the implementation of the plan, but since he insisted throughout in referring to the programme and its procedures by way of very unfortunate acronyms, the repetition of which in a respectable newspaper would be entirely inappropriate, your correspondent will move on without further comment.

Janitor Terry Allcorn had been following the continuing disarray at Westminster with increasing disillusion. He had come to the conclusion that Parliament was incapable of deciding anything. However it occurred to him that Holsworthy was uniquely placed to survive the turmoil.

The Court Leet was one of the oldest tribunals in the country having deliberated the governance of the Manor for more than 100 years before Simon de Montfort summoned a national Parliament in 1265. The Court was therefore clearly more senior than Parliament in the Manor. Led by the Portreeve, who was even older than the Court Leet, we should abandon Brexit, break away from Westminster and declare Hexit. We should cease paying contributions to Devon County Council for a start and set up our own administration.

We had officers standing by ideally suited to run the various government offices and we could take advice from President Donald Trump on erecting a border wall around the Manor. After all the name of Holsworthy referred to Harold’s Worthy, which meant ‘enclosure’ in Anglo-Saxon, so we would merely be enclosing the Manor again.

With the only anaerobic digestion facility in the UK turning farm slurry into biogas plus a programme of installing solar panels on all the roofs in the Manor we would be self sufficient in power.

All the old wells in the Manor could be brought back into use and in times of rain further water could be taken from the Fore Street reservoir, Perkin’s pond and Sanders Lane waterfall. A route for export goods could be provided by reinstating Stanbury Wharf and the canal to Bude and a trade route to the rest of England could be provided by reopening the railway line to Okehampton.

His calculations had revealed that the cost of the whole line would be less than the cost of one mile of the HS2 line. The economy would be based on a low tax open trade basis with the emphasis on a black market, bartering and running smuggled goods up the canal.

The prospect of an independent Holsworthy awash with money was appealing but our next petitioner Constable Alex Piper reminded us of the problem of what to do with it. The banks were disappearing from the Manor. If we were reduced to stuffing our cash under the mattress some of them could get so high we would start to fall off and injure ourselves.

Part of the preparations for an independent Holsworthy should be the creation of a new bank, chaired by the Portreeve. Barclays Bank had recently vacated a prominent site in the town which would do for premises. They would be particularly appropriate since his family happened to own the piece of land in front of the bank which could be used for a drop off point for customers, whose cars could then be removed to a car park he knew of behind Stanhope garage which he and his brother would be pleased to supervise.

Given the ability of his grandfather and uncle to perform the same task in the past and the fact that such ability had been genetically programmed into their DNA they would be the obvious candidates for the job.

His thoughts turned also to staffing the bank and he had various suggestions for this, most of them seemingly based on characters from Dad’s Army including his ‘dear’ brother who he unkindly cast as a ‘stupid boy’. We would also need a currency which would necessitate printing our own bank notes.

We would of course retain the picture of the Queen but in place of the various famous people whose pictures were also currently displayed on the various denominations, pictures of various local worthies would be used, in particular, in recognition of the support she gave the Portreeve, making sure he remembered his gown, his tricorn, his chain and his speech notes and of course polishing his plaque, Alex suggested for the highest denominated note a picture of the Portravene.

The Portreeve was quite taken with the idea of chairing the new bank. Although it was difficult with his hearing to be certain, he was pretty sure people had likened him to a banker on several occasions, so he must have an aptitude for it. Parker Pam Johns agreed.

With the huge combined wealth possessed by the officers of the Court to provide the capital, we should definitely set up a Court Leet bank. Holsworthy had a banking tradition.

It was after all the last place in England to mint a gold coin. There should be no difficulty in setting up a town centre regeneration fund.

Our first project could be the purchase of the Crown and Sceptre. Since Torridge District Council sold all their housing stock they no longer had any obligation to house the elderly. Everyone had heard of the Seaman’s Mission, well the Crown and Sceptre could be the Senior’s Mission.

There was a dance floor and bar for tea dances already in place and the noise from Jon’s Upstairz Bar next door would not disturb the hard of hearing. Yes, it was all about money and to emphasise the point she called on fellow officers Annette Dennis and Hilary Vivian to join her in a spirited rendition of Abba’s song ‘Money Money Money’, with Hilary also supplying the musical accompaniment on what appeared to be a rare, and no doubt valuable, plastic whistle.

It was a special treat for the older officers who said it reminded them of Ruby Murray singing ‘Softly Softly’ on Two Way Family Favourites.

Watching the lady officers perform reminded Breadweigher Barry Parrish of how the cause for equal rights for women had advanced in his lifetime.

The Court had of course been in the forefront of the movement by appointing its first lady Portreeve more than 50 years ago. Soon after both he and the Portreeve had burned their bras and submitted to female domination. They realised it made life easier.

We now had a lady mayor, a lady deputy mayor, a lady town clerk, a lady assistant town clerk and even a lady rector. Had the pendulum swung too far? Some men seemed to think so.

Former mayor John Allen had set up a man cave called the Men’s Shed, ostensibly for a group of older men to do a little woodwork, but Barry had discovered it was just the first of a network of resistance cells planned across the Manor.

Their ultimate aim was to reclaim for men the exclusivity they used to enjoy in the Lions and Rotary Clubs and to turn the Social Club back into the Men’s Institute.

He was shocked to discover that even his own family had been infiltrated when his cousin Rodney ‘Paparazzi’ Parrish had converted his garage into another ‘man cave’, which Barry’s brother David and nearby resident Freddie Prouse had been seen to visit.

Most serious of all, it had also been visited by an officer of the Court Janitor Chris Osborne. He called on the Portreeve to stamp it out before the man cavers got completely carried away. They must be made to realise that they could never regain control and that the only way forward was to adopt the Spice Girls’ motto of ‘girl power’.

The Portreeve promised to deal with it as a matter of urgency. If only Tory party rules had permitted three candidates in the final leg of the leadership contest he would have put his own name forward, with the abolition of man caves as his main policy.

He had no doubt that his popularity and obvious fitness to run the country would have propelled him to victory. As it was the task might take a little longer. He might have to see one of these man caves himself to find out more about them.

It clearly called for an early strategy discussion with the Aletasters — and with this in mind he promptly walked out of the hall without even pausing to bang his gavel to signal the formal end of the meeting.

Nigel Clark

Keeper of the Records