CHRISTMAS Time is usually a time for family etc and until a couple of years ago, it was also the prime opportunity to listen to a short message from a regal older lady reflecting on the year that was.

Unfortunately, here at NCB Radio, most of our team are too incoherent to string together a sentence so this year’s Christmas message comes from our Scouse loudmouth, Doreen McInnerny.

Doreen says: “I am unilaterally in agreement with Our Eddie that he’s not driving us up north to see the family for Christmas this year. Why is it us that has to do the travelling? Why should we in our advanced years be the ones trudging up north. We should have put a stop to this years ago, so no, we are now the ones who stay at home at Christmas, even if it’s just us, all on our own.

“It’s usually an older or ‘well off’ family member that people go to, isn’t it? You know, the one who has the big house and multiple spare rooms, big dining table and a range cooker that could feed a small South Pacific nation. Sadly, we’ve got an air fryer and a combination microwave. I think that’s called a slow kitchen. It is if you’re waiting on Our Eddie to peel the potatoes. If any of our lot did want to come down to stay for Christmas, it’d be blow up beds in the dining room or on the sofas in the living room. Mind you, that would be more preferable to a night on a memory foam mattress.

“Oh, my giddy Aunt, me and Our Eddie only wanted to go see a show over on the mainland which finished after the last Isle of Wight ferry stops, so I found us a reasonably priced bed and breakfast in Portsmouth. As wonderful as they were, friendly and free breakfast included, we dropped our bags and ran out to the show. When we got back and settled into bed, I slowly started sinking lower and lower. I tried to turn over and had to ask Our Eddie to throw me life line as I thought I was drowning. You know the difference between a foam mattress and a memory foam mattress? It’s about £500. In my review, I told them, in no uncertain terms that rooms with a memory foam mattresses should come with a life guard.

“So for Christmas dinner, as usual Our Eddie is suddenly interested in what I cook for him like its grounds for divorce if he doesn’t get to pre order from M&S enough cheese to clog an artery in ten minutes. Usually, I could give him Mongolian mountain goat’s gonads on toast - as long as he has ketchup on it, he’ll eat it. It’s the offering of a choice that I have to be careful of. Ask him what he wants for dessert after Christmas dinner he will ask for something completely random like a diet yoghurt and nothing will change his mind. Honestly, some men.”